Miss Esme Cannot Even

Hello, my name is Miss Esme, and I am completely unable to can. 

First thing this morning the Forever Axe Murderer locked me in the sunroom with my brothers. The sunroom may be my favorite spot to watch for invading Axe Murderers, but that doesn’t mean I want to have to be there when it wasn’t my idea. So that was Not Good. The World’s Dumbest Brother thought it was awesome. The World’s Dumbest Brother is dumb. (The Formerly Comatose Brother was not sure he liked the whole idea, but he decided to take a nap while he thought about it. He takes a lot of naps.)

Then the Vacuum-Wielding Axe Murderers arrived. And vacuumed. And whatever else they do while they are invading.  That was Very Not Good. The World’s Dumbest Brother thought they were probably super nice. The World’s Dumbest Brother gets dumber as time goes by. (The Formerly Comatose Brother remained asleep while the Vacuum-Wielding Axe Murderers did whatever awful things they were doing. Sometimes I have my doubts about the Formerly Comatose Brother.)

Then the Forever Axe Murderer FINALLY came home and liberated us from the sunroom and demonstrated that the Vacuum Wielding Axe Murderers had left. I wasn’t about to take her word for it, so I checked carefully to be sure. Then the Forever Axe Murderer took us outside. Where it was raining. This was Definitely Not Good. Even the World’s Dumbest Brother thought it was less than ideal. (The Formerly Comatose Brother didn’t seem to notice. My doubts about the Formerly Comatose Brother increased.)

And THEN, before she even fed us our long-overdue and entirely-too-small dinner, the Forever Axe Murderer BRUSHED us. This was Extremely Not Good. The Forever Axe Murderer informed me that I was looking disreputable and that having a leaf stuck to one’s butt was not a good look for a lady. I think the Forever Axe Murderer is just jealous that she did not have a leaf on her butt. Even the World’s Dumbest Brother did not think that being brushed was as awesome as it could have been. (The Formerly Comatose Brother appeared to enjoy being brushed and even followed the Forever Axe Murderer around to see if she would brush him some more. The Formerly Comatose Brother clearly has something wrong with him.)

Working Hard

Today my people got ready to leave forever and then she got my leash and she said areyoucomingtoo? and when she left forever she took me too and it was super awesome! and we got in the car and it was super awesome! and then we rode in the car and it was super awesome! and then we got out and we were at the place my people goes when she leaves me forever and it was super awesome!  My people said if I was coming to work I had to work hard so first I worked really hard wagging my tail at all the people who work with my people and then I worked really hard sniffing everything and then I worked really hard keeping my people’s toes warm while she did things on the box she stares at on her desk and then I worked really hard taste-testing lunch for some other peoples and then I worked really hard going on a walk with my people and peeing on all of the things outside the building where she goes when she leaves me forever and then I worked really hard wagging my tail at all the people who work with my people in case I missed anyone the first time and then I was really tired so I took a nap and it was super awesome!

Here I am working really hard!

 

And here I am taking a nap.

Things Miss Esme Does Not Know

• why the dining room table made that distinct creak like someone is leaning on it just after the Forever Axe Murderer put her dinner down and then left the room
• where the Forever Axe Murderer’s sandwich went
• who could possibly have been in the cat box or how the cat box lid got way over there
• where that mysterious hole in that pillow came from
• why there are black hairs and dusty paw prints on the back of the wing chair
• what the Forever Axe Murderer means by “it’s just the neighbor, and he heard you the first twenty times you barked at him”
• why she cannot just annex her brother’s food bowl and eat his dinner too
• where that oddly border-collie-shaped indent in the middle of the Forever Axe Murderer’s bed came from
• who was bouncing on the kitty and why the kitty does not appreciate being bounced on
• why the Forever Axe Murderer keeps saying “boy, it’s a good thing you’re cute”

Oops

Today I was carrying my favorite stuffie upstairs and my people scritched my head when I went by her and I got so confused I dropped my stuffie and forgot how to stair and she had to rescue me and my stuffie.

My people says sometimes I am very silly.

Leash Confusion

Today my people came home from abandoning us forever and she took us outside to pee on things and then we came inside and we sat so she could take our leashes off (except Skye who doesn’t sit) and a leash went “click” and my people said okaySkye and I tried to move and I couldn’t and I went sqrrk ackack and I squeaked and my people said thatwasSkyesleashsilly and then another leash went “click” and my people said okayEsme and I tried to move but I couldn’t and I went urrrk ack and I squeaked and my people said thatwasEsmesleashsilly and then another leash went “click” and my people said okayFuzzbutt and that time I could move and it was very exciting!

Miss Esme Is Unappreciated

Today I had to wake up extra early to bark at Axe Murderers. There were lots of them so I barked extra loudly.

The Forever Axe Murderer said it was too early for barking and made me go lie down. That was Not Good.

Then the Forever Axe Murderer climbed on the roof and threw things off it. That was Also Not Good.

While she was up there I had to bark at more Axe Murderers. When she came down she told me to stop barking. That was Even More Not Good.

The Forever Axe Murderer also used the vacuum cleaner today. That was Extremely Not Good.

While she was doing it I had to bark at more Axe Murderers. The Forever Axe Murderer told me I was being very silly because there was nothing to bark at and no Axe Murderers anywhere. I told her that of course there weren’t because my barking had scared them all away. Then she told me I was a sassy britches and I shouldn’t bark at her.

Clearly my Forever Axe Murderer does not appreciate my efforts at all so I am going to curl up on my chair and not bark anymore and if everyone gets Axe Murdered by a passing Axe Murderer it will not be my fault.

Working Hard

Today my people got ready to abandon us forever even though it is a day when she doesn’t usually abandon us forever and then she left but she took me with her and it was super exciting!!!  She said I could come help her do people things because it was Saturday.

Here I am riding in the car on the way to help my people do people things:                                                            (I’m trying super hard to be serious and not bounce even though I am super excited because I know my people does important people things and it’s very important to be a good dog when you’re helping do important people things.  But I still squeaked a little bit.)

We went to a new place I’d never been before and my people said it was where she goes when she abandons us forever and its called a library and there were lots of bushes out front so I peed on them all because everyone should know that it’s my people’s library but she doesn’t pee on things so how will anyone know?  So I peed on them for her.  Then we went inside and she said we had to start working hard and I really really really wanted to sniff all the things and I really really really wanted to bounce because I was so excited but I didn’t because I was helping my people.  But I still squeaked a little bit.

Here I am helping my people do something called “emptying the book drop”:

There were lots of things like the things my people sometimes sits and stares at for a long time, and they were in a great big box and she took them out of the great big box and then she said we had to put them in order so other peoples could find them.  I don’t know why anyone would want to find them because they aren’t very fun except maybe to chew on but when I chewed on one once when I was a baby my people got mad so I don’t do that anymore.  But I sniffed them all very carefully and I tried to tell her what order the smells went in but she didn’t listen and she said the marks on the narrow part went in a certain order but that didn’t make any sense so I just helped her put them all on big shelves and made sure I wagged super hard at all the other peoples who were in the library.

Then my people went and sat behind a big desk and she talked to lots of peoples who came and some of them gave her more of the hard things that my people sometimes sits and stares at, and some of the peoples took the hard things away, and then some of the peoples asked her questions and she did something called “looking up the answers” by staring at a big box on the big desk and I helped by wagging super hard at the peoples who asked the questions and wagging super extra hard at my people to tell her what a good job she was doing.  Then some of the peoples went away and some of the peoples we took to the big shelves and gave them some of the hard things that my people sometimes sits and stares at.

Here I am all ready to go to the big shelves and help my people find things for other peoples:

And then there were some little peoples who needed to be wagged at and a peoples who talked at me in a funny language that my people said was called German and peoples who wanted to know all about me and I had to wag and wag and wag and I also had to wag extra hard at the other peoples who work with my people to let them know what a good job they were doing and it was super hard work.  I tried to stay awake and make sure I helped my people but it was really tiring so eventually I fell asleep.

Here I am taking a nap.  When I woke up I felt bad because I wasn’t helping my people but she said it was okay because sometimes she feels like taking a nap while she is at her work too.

And then after I helped some more with the book drop and helped with finding some more hard things that my people sometimes sits and stares at and wagged some more at some more peoples and helped my people find some more answers for other peoples it was time to go home!  And I was so tired from helping my people do important people things all day that I only peed on two of the bushes on the way out and I slept all the way back to my house.

WDD Saves The Day (sort of)

Today I went into the kitchen and there was water! on the floor!! and I was so surprised I barked and then the water grew!!! and I was even more surprised so I barked some more and my people came to see what I was barking at and she said thatshouldntbethere and she said idbettercallaplumber and she talked into her little box that lights up and then she got a lot of towels and put them on the water on the floor which was still growing and then she locked me and my sisters into the dog room and another people came and I could hear him doing things and then I could hear him doing more things and then he left and my people let us out of the dog room but it was too late to make friends with the other people and then I got distracted because there was no more water on the floor!

My people says I was a very good dog for letting her know that there was water where it shouldn’t be but really I was just confused but she said that was okay and I was good anyway but now I am even more confused because I don’t know where the water went even though I sniffed a lot where it was when it was where it wasn’t supposed to be.

My people says I shouldn’t worry about it though and I should just concentrate on being a very good dog who kept the house from flooding and I’m not sure what a flooding is but it does not sound like as much fun as chewing on my stuffy so that’s what I’m going to go do instead.

Almost Christmas

Today my people gave me a special squeaky toy and it was awesome I brought it to my favorite puppy bed to chew on it and it went SQUEAK and then it went SQUEAK again and then I got distracted by my friend Bella and when I turned around there was no squeaky toy but when I looked around something went SQUEAK and I looked around some more and something went SQUEAK and I was confused and I didn’t see my squeaky toy but something went SQUEAK and then my people reached underneath me and she found my squeaky toy and it was very exciting so now I am chewing on my squeaky toy and it is awesome!